Monday, February 28, 2011

My Cup Runneth Over

I went to church this morning before work, because the evening service was cancelled due to special missions events.  We have several missionaries visiting from various locations around the world this week, and 2 of them spoke during the service today.  They were both very powerful.

I visualize the Holy Spirit as a river running through me, which makes the tears that never fail to escape my eyes actually make sense.  In my mind, that is God filling me with so much of His love, that I just can't contain it all, so it escapes me in the form of tears.  Might sound silly, but that's how I think of it.  I cry like a baby at church, almost every single time I go, and I get choked up often when I pray or spread His word. Makes sense to me, lol.

I realized today, that throughout my entire life, I have been trying to fill a void within myself; I have used everything I could get my hands on to try to fill the void, most of them not good, bad, very bad, or unthinkable.  The void was still there.  No matter what I did, there was always an emptiness left in its wake.  And every bad thing I did left a scar on my heart as well.  by the time I got to where I am now, My heart was very heavy, despite its emptiness, and severely scarred.

I realized today, during the sermon, that that void has been filled.  For the first time, I feel 100% complete.  I don't want for anything, I am at peace.  And, as it just hit me just as I'm typing this, I realize that I have finally forgiven myself.  What a weight that has been lifted! I knew that God had forgiven me a long time ago, because I asked for forgiveness, but I hadn't been able to forgive myself.  I finally have.  Now, I feel that I can let go of the past, and leave it behind and move forward independently of the past.  It will not hold me back any longer.  Only the grace of God can do that.

I feel on top of the world today, and I could go on forever about what I am feeling right now, but this is a blog, not a book, lol.  Speaking of books, it's time for me to get into the Good Book.

"Dear Heavenly Father, my cup runneth over with the abundance of your love and your grace.  Thank you for all that you do, Lord, and for the work you continue to do within me.  Lord, please let me live my life according to your will, and help me to put you above all else.  Lord, I love you and I praise you. In Jesus' name, Amen."

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Exciting Prospect

I have come across an interesting prospect, that could, very possibly be my dream come true.  I'm not sharing details at this point, as I have to do a lot of research, but I would appreciate your prayers on this.  If the opportunity is as it seems, it could change not just my life, but it could answer multiple prayers for our family. 

"Lord, I know that if this is your will, you will provide us with what we need to make it happen.  I have faith in you, Lord, and just ask for your will to be done in our lives.  Thank you, Lord, for all that you have blessed me with.  In Jesus' name, Amen."

Outside Influences

I used to give my sister a hard time because of her convictions about what she would and wouldn't do/watch/listen to.  Now that I have turned my life over to God, I completely understand.  I notice in a HUGE way exactly how outside influences affect my relationship with God.  When I watch a lot of TV or movies that aren't spiritually centered, I find myself losing my focus on the Lord.  In contrast, when I keep the TV off, and listen to Christian radio or music, and read my Bible and other spiritual material, I feel so close to Him, and I stay focused.  

I never understood that until now, and have certainly never experienced or realized the impact of outside influences.  This also holds true of people, places, and things that aren't centered around the Lord.  I am so glad now that I know, and understand, and feel convicted to make changes in my life to reflect my dedication to the Lord.

I decided to give up TV for the month of February, because I realized how much it influences my life.  I have come to realize that TV is actually an addiction for me...I didn't stick with it, so I am giving it up all together for March, at least, and see how it goes.  It is definitely a life changing event to cut out the TV; I don't even know how to eat breakfast without it, lol.  But I am resigned to find a way.

"Lord, help me to stay focused on you and your Word, and help me to avoid letting negative influences into my life.  Help me, Lord, to always put you above all else, and help me to live my life according to your plan.  Thank you, God, for all the amazing things you are doing in my life, and in the lives of those around me. I love you and praise you, Lord.  In Jesus' name, Amen."

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Sheila has gone home...

I just learned that Sheila Bossaer, has passed away.  She had an extremely rapid progression with her illness, and I know it must be hard to have had everything happen so fast.  But although she will be missed dearly, everyone who knew her knows she is with God now, and wanting us all to celebrate her life, and not be sad.  Rest in peace, Sheila.

At Peace

I simply can't get over the changes God had done and is doing in my life.  I catch myself thinking, "maybe I'm just fooling myself, and maybe it's not for real, and maybe I'm faking it..."  I think it has to do with the fact that in most aspects of my life, I have been a freud, really.  I seriously don't know how I made it through boot camp, or 4 years of active duty, because I certainly didn't earn it...I skated by, as I feel like I did in college, and everything else in my life.  I have always felt like a freud, and maybe that's just a feeling I'm used to; I don't know.

But when I step back and look at the whole picture...the changes God is doing in me is unmistakeable.  I AM worthy of His love, and He HAS given me His grace, and I CAN accept it...Those are totally new concepts for me.  I look at how I react to certain situations or people, and God is the ONLY explanation.  Only HE can take away the anger, and frustration, and intolerance that have lived within me for so long.  I find myself praying for those that used to cause me to darn near explode with anger, and praying for Him to change my heart so that I can love others and not judge them. 

For those who know me well, you know that the changes in me most certainly didn't come from within myself, lol.  I am normally irritable and uptight, and tonight, I am simply feeling at peace.  At peace with mylife, and not wanting for anything more.  God had truly blessed me with a wonderful family, and our health, and our happiness.  We have all the necessities, and much more.  What more could I ask for?  Not a darn thing!

"God, I am so grateful for the AMAZING work you are doing not only in my life, but in the lives of my loved ones as well.  You are such a loving God; you love me for who I am, unconditionally, and without reservation.  You will never leave me, and I can count on you for all my needs.  Thank you, Lord, for all that you are, and all that you do.  In Jesus' name, Amen."

Sunday, February 20, 2011

My Heart is Full

Sorry I haven't been on here for a few days.  I've been out of town visiting my sister all week, and it kind of got put on the back burner.  I do apologize, y'all.

It's been a very emotional week, with lots of stuff going on with family, and work, and LOTS and LOTS of 'God thangs'...

Spending time with my sister has left me in awe of the woman she has become, and I am amazed at the work God has done in her, and in her life.  I can remember through the years, us taking turns supporting one another through good times and bad, taking turns playing the role of 'big sister' (even though I am 10 years older lol).  I remember the time when I was trying desperately to convince her of God's existence...and ultimately, so many years later, it was God's work in her that brought me back to Him.  He is SO AMAZING!!

I talked to someone near and dear to my heart today, and hearing about an incident in her life today that can't be anything but a 'God thang' just brought tears to my eyes.  It never ceases to amaze me how big God is..there is NOTHING he can't do!  How AWESOME is that?!!  My heart is full tonight, just rewinding the week, and being thankful for all that He has given me, and for all that He is doing within me.

"Dear Lord, thank you for all the wonderful work you are doing not only in my life, but in the lives of my friends and family.  Lord, I pray that you will guide my heart, and give me the words to say when I need them, and help me to love as you would, and help me to remember that judging is your job, and not mine.  I am so glad I have you in my life, Lord, and I thank you for your love and your grace.  In Jesus' name, Amen."

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

What a Day

This day (okay, so it was actually yesterday) was an emotional roller coaster.  It didn't start off well, but then I was having a great day at work-until my next to last call, which really got my blood pumping.  Then, when I got off work, I had another incident that got my blood boiling...but, unlike past times, I turned to God to help, because I knew I couldn't handle it by myself.  Sure enough, He got me calmed down, and I had a nice drive (thanks everyone for talking me through a VERY long and boring drive), and I arrived at my sister's house (YAY!) safe and sound.  We stayed up all night talking and just before I was ready to head to bed, I check my e-mails, and got one that was really nice...then came the icing on the proverbial cake.  Now, I have to pray, pray, pray for guidance...because while my heart is hurt and disappointed, I don't know what action I should take.  I have to go get into the Word, and do some serious praying.  I'll start here:

"Dear Lord, please guide me through these difficult times, and comfort my heart and help me to act as you would have me to do.  Help me to remember, Lord, that my duty is to do your will, and not mine, and help me to put aside my personal feelings and simply do your will. I have no idea how to do that, Lord, and I really need your help.  Thank you for your unconditional love, Lord.  In Jesus' name, Amen."

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Prayer List

I have added a prayer list to the blog...any and all prayers are appreciated...God knows the needs of each person.  If there is anyone you would like to add, post it here, or e-mail it to me, and I'll add it. 


It's Not About Me

I hadn’t planned to post tonight, but as I was praying, I felt like I needed to.  I keep talking about me; how I have changed, and the changes in me …all about me.  I did immediately confirm that my children were both saved,  but tonight as I was praying, it occurred to me that I hadn’t asked my husband.  I talk to him a lot about thoughts and feelings I have, and I talk to him and share with him what I am reading in the Bible, but pretty much it’s a one-sided conversation.  (This is nothing unusual…lol)  And we used to attend church, and he does do his daily devotionals and looks up whatever verse it suggests.  But I never asked him if he was saved. 
This is when I realized that it’s not just about me…I am concerned for him and his salvation, and I HAVE to ask him, and do my part to make sure he is saved.  In my mind, I visualize God’s heart breaking, wanting so desperately to save each and every one of his children, much like a mother trying to save all of her children from some natural disaster…reaching, grasping, trying to hang on…
But God gave his children free will, and we have to choose him…I’m so glad I did!  I will do my best to allow God to work through me to do His will.
“God, thank you so much for your love and your grace.  Thank you for opening my eyes and for helping me to understand your word, and I ask you, Lord, to guide me and use me, and show me how to best serve you and worship you.  In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

Friday, February 11, 2011

I'm not the 'me' I used to be

I realized today, that even though life isn't always 'grand', and things don't always go my way, that it's just ok.  That's a far cry from the 'me' I used to be-just ask anyone who knows me!  There was a point in my life that I was so miserable to be around that my own husband walked on eggshells around me.  The thought of it now hurts me deeply, but unfortunalely, I can't change the past.

Thanks be to God, though, I am no longer that person.  I can't explain the difference in how I feel...there simply are no words.  Since I opened my heart to God and accepted Jesus into my life, I don't feel like I'm going to explode from being so angry about something at least once a day.  No, life's not perfect, but to me, it's pretty darn close!  Funny thing is, actually it hasn't been a great couple of an estimate on my car-OUCH!, paid more than expected on the diagnostic, and the Jeep just broke down...but I'm still happy as a lark lol. 

"Dear God, thank you so much for the impact you have made on my life.  Thank you, Lord, for bringing me back to you, and surrendering completely to you.  I have total trust and faith in you, Lord, that you will always provide for me.  I ask for your guidance and your wisdom each and every day.  I love you and I praise you, Lord.  In Jesus' name, Amen."

Thursday, February 10, 2011

All I Have to Do is Ask

Oh, it's been a crazy day for me.  Nothing went as planned, and I let myself get frazzled, because I forget to just SLOW DOWN.  I had planned to work, then color my hair, then go have my 'hair girl' put some highlights in it.  Then I thought I'd go check out some computers I'd been looking at, then stop by Publix to .....THOUGHT INTERUPTUS! lol

Gee, I wonder why I get frazzled??  As I was saying how I had planned for my day to go, I realized HELLO! It was crazy to start with!  Of course I can't think!

So, long story short, got sent home early, hair took too long, and didn't turn out so hot, took forever at the salon, got pedi, got computer...completely forgot to go get the flippin' groceries from Publix! (Dang it!!)  And I've been going nuts all day, running around in circles, because besides what I was actually doing, my mind was working double time, trying to figure out how in the world I was gonna take my car to the shop, take Lynds to her doctor's appointment, pick my car up from the shop, arrange (somehow?) to get my car fixed by Monday before I go out of town, AND still work my shift tomorrow??? 

I really need to learn to slow down, take a deep breath and ask God to take over.  WHY didn't I do that in the first place? Or better yet, first thing in the morning, give it to Him in the first place?  I have no idea! But, little by little, I am learning what works, and what doesn't; what doesn't work is to try to control things myself.  I have to, each and ever day, remind myself that I am NOT in control...God is.  And all I have to do is ask, and He will gladly step in and take over, because that's what He has been waiting for.

How AWESOME is that??!!  It's like He's just hanging around, watching, and knowing what to do and how to do it, but restraining Himself until He is asked for help.  And my first thought is, "well why doesn't He just jump in and take over then?"  I think the reason is that He is teaching me a lesson...He wants me to know that all I have to do is ask, and until I ask Him for help, life's gonna be a whole lot harder. 

"Lord, thank you for your grace and all that you have blessed me with; I am in awe of you always.  Lord, please help me to ask you to take control, and help me to hand over the reins to you.  I know you can handle my life so much better than I could ever hope to.  Lord, show me how to best worship you and praise you, and help me to do your will.  Thank you, Lord. In Jesus' name, Amen."

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

God day

Well, actually, I meant to title this "Good Day", but my typo came out "God day"; I thought I would leave it, at that, lol.  I had a pretty good day at work, with some encouraging comments from my supervisor at work, and I am actually allowing myself to hope that this could become a permanent position.  It's just funny how this job, which I applied for with really no hopes of it being a 'real' job.  I was skeptical all the way up until I received my first paycheck-direct deposit, with taxes taken out.  Now that I think about it, God gave me exactly what I needed, really, and when I needed it.

After having been out of work for 2 1/2 years, God knew that it would be better for me to start back to work slowly, getting back to having to be on a schedule of some sort, and having to be somewhere at a specific time, every time and on time, as well as getting used to just being an employee again.  I can’t begin to explain how good it felt to receive my first paycheck, and to feel like I’m contributing to our household income, after applying to so many jobs, and trying so hard.  Granted, this isn’t exactly what I had in mind, but it has been a very humbling experience, and I honestly believe that God put this job before me for a reason.  Who knows, it could be a start to something much bigger in the long run. 

As a side note, I just have to mention how God is allowing me to appreciate people in my life.  I found myself today just watching my husband (of 25 years!) and smiling at what a wonderful husband he is, and how much I truly love him from the bottom of my heart.  Talk about a gift from God-he is it!! I believe 100% in my heart that God gave him to me to save me from myself, and I am SO grateful! Thank you, God!

“God, thank you so much for always knowing what’s best for me; I know that you have a plan for me, and I know that your plan is so much greater than I could ever hope for.  Lord, you are so loving and kind, and you know my heart better than I myself do, and you know how to guide me to do your will. I pray, Lord, that you will reveal your plan to me as I am ready to receive it, and lead me so that I may follow.  Lord, I love you and I praise you. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

Sunday, February 6, 2011


If someone would have told me 2 months ago that I would look forward to going to church, I would have told them they were off their rocker.  However, today during work, I found myself anticipating the end of my shift and getting ready for church.  I actually couldn’t wait!  Who would have EVER thought?  Even when I did attend church regularly in Indiana, and I enjoyed the service and fellowship, I can’t say that I actually looked forward to it.  And as for reading and studying my Bible, I actually enjoy that too, rather than think of it as a chore, as in times past.
 During the service tonight, we had communion, which I have participated in on multiple occasions, but this time was different.  (As a side note, I have to say that I really appreciated how the pastor explained what was going on and how they did it at this particular church-I have many times felt uncomfortable in not knowing how they did things in a particular church.  It was very much appreciated and helpful to newcomers or visitors.) But for the first time, I was overcome with emotion, and fully understood the meaning of the communion.  It was VERY powerful to grasp the full and true meaning of the practice, and for the first time, I felt like I was worthy to receive communion.  I am so grateful for such a loving God.
“Dear God, I thank you for loving me so much that you have given your only son to give his life for my sins. Thank you for your forgiveness, and for lifting the burden of guilt that I have been weighted down with for so long; thank you for lifting me up, Lord.  Lord, I surrender my will and my life to you and your will.  In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

Friday, February 4, 2011

I'm never alone

For a lot of my life, I have felt very alone.  Not necessarily 'lonely', just alone.  For the first time in my life, I can actually feel His presence, and I can say without a doubt that I am never alone.  God's presence in my life, 24/7, and knowing that He is watching me always, keeps me accountable.  I only wish I would have truly become a Christian a long, LONG time ago; it would have saved me (and everyone else) a lot of heartache.  I don't think I would have done a lot of things that I've done if I knew someone was watching me and judging me.  But, I suppose it was God's plan for me to experience all that CRAP in order to get me to be who He wants me to be.

For the first time, I don’t feel like I have to try to be something I’m not, because if I do, God will call me out, lol.  I’m feeling a lot more comfortable in my own skin these days, and I know I always have a friend in Jesus, and that He is always there with me.  I will never be anywhere by myself ever again!  How awesome is that?! 

It is truly a miracle how different I feel, and how differently I think and react to things.  He immediately hollers at me when I have a wrong thought or say things unbecoming of a woman of God.  I am not, by any means, saying I’m perfect, or a “finished product”, I’m just saying that God is doing amazing things in my life, and I’m thankful.

“God, thank you so much for filling the void that I have so often felt in my life, and thank you for always being there for me.  Lord, you are truly a loving and amazing God, and I am constantly in awe of all that you are and all that you do.  Thank you for your love and your grace.  In Jesus’ name, Amen”

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Praying for His will, not mine

I never would have thought it would be so hard to let go, and give up control.  However, since I have been known to be a bit of a control freak (that's putting it mildly!), it is EXTREMELY hard to accept and admit that I am not in control, God is. 

I have decided to give up TV for the month of February, simply because it was having far too much influence on my life, and I was wasting too  much time watching TV rather than doing things that need to be done.  So, I sat most of the day clipping my coupons (I had made the mistake of getting a couple of weeks behind) with no TV on.  I don't know which is worse: listening to my own thoughts, or the TV.  I was thinking all day about the situation of someone very close to me who is about to move, and I was fighting all day not to be sad and/or angry.  But of all the things that I was having feelings about, I realized that they were selfish reasons.

I was sad that we hadn't been able to really go to the beach together, and sad that I don't know when I will see her again, and sad that the next time I see her kids they will be so much bigger/older,etc...And I am trying not to be angry, and I have to really fight to completely let go. I keep giving it to God, but it's like I'm still hanging on to a thread, and I keep trying to pull it back.  It's SOOOO hard!!  I have to have faith that God will provide for her and her family, and that He is in control of not only my life, but of theirs, too, and His will will be done, not hers, and not mine.  I  know He has a plan for them, and I need to step aside and let go of my own personal feelings, and stop judging (THAT IS SOOO HARD TOO!!).

I know in my heart that God will take care of it, but is it wrong to pray that His will may include giving them a reason to stay?  Just askin'  :) .  In order to do God's will, for me, I have to be here, and be supportive, and pray, pray, pray, and of course, love them all...yes, I said love them ALL. "God, show me the way!"

"Dear Lord, please help me to let go of my old thoughts and feelings, and to do your will.  Lord, show me how to love and not judge, how to give up control and learn to follow your direction, and help me to know my true motives. Show me how to give words of encouragement, and help me to be genuine in my well wishes.  Lord, I love you, and I praise you. In Jesus' name, Amen."

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

God's 'Love Taps'

I was really struggling with a family issue, as was mentioned in yesterday's post, and thought I had gotten the right answer.  Until today, when I talked to someone near and dear to my heart, who knows the whole situation, and I began to question the origin of the answer I received...was it my will, or God's will? 

The thing nagged me all day long, and I was even talking to God out loud, it was weighing so heavily on my heart.  Finally, as I was driving home, the thought popped back into my head, and I felt the tears well up, and I finally surrendered.  I did what I knew I had to do, and the weight was lifted, and I feel so much better!  I am going to refer to these moments as God's 'love taps' from now on, because it's kind of like getting hit upside the head, and it brings tears to my eyes...all done in love from God. 

He is truly amazing, and to think that I have changed so much since I asked Jesus to come into my heart...and all I had to do was ask! I would say that I wish I had made the decision and surrendered my will to God's 30 years ago, but then, my life wouldn't be what it is today, which is good, and I wouldn't have the people in it that I no, I wouldn't change a thing.  It has all happened in God's time, the way He intended, and I am so thankful!

"Lord, thank you so much for your wisdom and your mercy.  Thank you for your guidance through difficult situations, and for the peace that comes from doing your will, not mine.  You are such a loving God! In Jesus' name, Amen."