I went to church this morning before work, because the evening service was cancelled due to special missions events. We have several missionaries visiting from various locations around the world this week, and 2 of them spoke during the service today. They were both very powerful.
I visualize the Holy Spirit as a river running through me, which makes the tears that never fail to escape my eyes actually make sense. In my mind, that is God filling me with so much of His love, that I just can't contain it all, so it escapes me in the form of tears. Might sound silly, but that's how I think of it. I cry like a baby at church, almost every single time I go, and I get choked up often when I pray or spread His word. Makes sense to me, lol.
I realized today, that throughout my entire life, I have been trying to fill a void within myself; I have used everything I could get my hands on to try to fill the void, most of them not good, bad, very bad, or unthinkable. The void was still there. No matter what I did, there was always an emptiness left in its wake. And every bad thing I did left a scar on my heart as well. by the time I got to where I am now, My heart was very heavy, despite its emptiness, and severely scarred.
I realized today, during the sermon, that that void has been filled. For the first time, I feel 100% complete. I don't want for anything, I am at peace. And, as it just hit me just as I'm typing this, I realize that I have finally forgiven myself. What a weight that has been lifted! I knew that God had forgiven me a long time ago, because I asked for forgiveness, but I hadn't been able to forgive myself. I finally have. Now, I feel that I can let go of the past, and leave it behind and move forward independently of the past. It will not hold me back any longer. Only the grace of God can do that.
I feel on top of the world today, and I could go on forever about what I am feeling right now, but this is a blog, not a book, lol. Speaking of books, it's time for me to get into the Good Book.
"Dear Heavenly Father, my cup runneth over with the abundance of your love and your grace. Thank you for all that you do, Lord, and for the work you continue to do within me. Lord, please let me live my life according to your will, and help me to put you above all else. Lord, I love you and I praise you. In Jesus' name, Amen."